Cape Cod, a 12 Step Program

Step 1, the plane. We cannot get enough of planes.

Step 2, identify destination. Here it is, right on the water. The fog tended to lift around 3pm most afternoons.

Step 3, pretend you don't hear the thunder. This was only necessary two of the days.

Step 4, identify which of those two days it would be okay to continue with your activity of choice. For example, tennis.


Step 5, use other clues, such as an ominous horizon, menacing flag, or power outage in the lighthouse, to select the day when an impressive thunderstorm is descending. Seek shelter.




Step 6, place small child and pregnant woman with camera in sauna.


Step 7, do not set foot in unholy bathtub filled by water that falls from the sky. Cry if anyone tries to convince you to do otherwise.


Step 8, avoid these people.


Step 9, intervene when hypothermia is still in early stages.


Step 10, immerse yourself in sand at every opportunity.


Step 11, allow your child to be spirited away by Larry the Lobster. Note to Larry: BINGO is perhaps a better choice of game for those who can recognize numbers.



Step 11a, if, during Duck Duck Goose, you are chosen as Goose, acceptable options include: remaining seated with a large grin on your face, running around the circle after the Duck while still tapping everyone on the head, or running three-quarters of the way around the circle, then bolting to your family's table. They'll never catch you there.


Step 12, nap in airport lounge. This will only be necessary if you find out the morning of departure that 1) your flight no longer exists, 2) you will now be flying home via Philadelphia rather than via no layover, and 3) you will be arriving at 11pm instead of 6pm.